Dysfunctional Family Roles and what to do about them

Families are funny creatures - made up of a group of people that are bound together by blood and shared experiences. Whenever a group of people get together, you can see that some people are the organisers, some are the clowns, some look after everyone and others are happy to be led. This is normal human behaviour. Today we are going to think about the dysfunctional family roles you grew up with. And we are going to think about how to change for the better.

In a family without addiction, children are free to practice family roles. Sometimes they will be the clown and other times they will be the organisers. The clever child may take up a sport or the compliant child may become hard to manage. They will find a role that naturally suits them but are free to try on other roles at any time. We call these children well-rounded. Their roles are functional. Their lives don't depend on their roles.

Children's Roles in an Addictive Family

However, in the addictive family, the children’s dysfunctional roles are born of fear and shame.

As a result of this, we become locked into those dysfunctional family roles. We are children in danger, and we do whatever we can to survive. So, we adhere to our role to such an extreme that what was positive becomes negative. There is no luxury of a different role, no way to learn balance and acquire the skills to change. We become solidified in the role. When you try on a new role, the whole broken family pressures you to stay in your original dysfunctional role. It's as though the family is an organism and when one part of the organism changes it forces the others to change. This is the nature of the dysfunction.

Where can you go as an adult to practice different roles? How can you learn new roles? We are going to look into this later.

As a young child, I learned that if I acted in a certain way, predictable things would happen. Therefore, I kept a watchful eye on Mum at all times and if she was sad, I would try to cheer her up or look after her in some way. If things were getting dangerous, I would take the little ones away and read them a book. Or I would tidy up if the house was untidy. If things got tense between Mum and Dad, sometimes I would divert attention by fighting with my sister, but most often, I would go away and read a book. By myself.

I sometimes played a combination of roles. I have learned about these from Claudia Black, who has written many books about broken families with addiction.

My role in my family

Sometimes I was the Adjuster, who would adapt to any situation. The one who opted out. The avoider. Also called the Lost Child. Mostly I was the child that we call the Placater, also called by Szifra Birke the Mascot. I can adapt to any situation and even make those involved feel better about it. Nothing affected me. As a result, I handle change very well. "We’re going out for dinner – awesome. Oh, we’re staying home now? Awesome, are you ok?" "No Christmas present? No problem, it doesn’t matter. Do you like the present I bought for you?" So, I have perfected making others feel better. If there is any tension at all, I will make everyone laugh. Consequently, I have become very good at clowning around. The problem with this dysfunctional family role is that I don't know when to stop.

Helplessness and powerlessness had conditioned me to stop expecting anything. To survive then, I had to fill everyone else’s needs. Whatever they were. I didn’t have any needs.

The Four Main Dysfunctional Family Roles

Mascot

The mascot/placater is the one who is cute and funny. You use humour to survive and are also very good at empathising with others and putting yourself in their shoes. Although you can be immature and a bit crazy at times, people generally don't mind that. Confrontation petrifies you, therefore you will do anything to avoid it. You can read more about the dysfunctional family role of mascot here.

Hero

The hero has a very important job - to save the family. A fierce need for approval drives Heroes so you are super responsible and successful. You have it all together and believe yourself to be special. At the same time, your deep feelings of inadequacy are well hidden. You feel that nothing you ever do is good enough, but your gift to the family is their pride in your achievements. You can learn more about the dysfunctional family role of Hero here.

Lost child

The lost child is the quiet one. You love a good book or movie. Being alone is the most comfortable thing for you. The growing chaos of the family pressures you to look within for validation so you escape to fantasy. Within the family system, you are one less child for the family to worry about. When you are with others you are invisible, shadowy and elusive.

Acting out child

The scapegoat or acting-out child is the one who is highly visible. Whenever you are acting-out, you take the pressure off the addict. Your peers give you the support you don't get at home, so you rarely act alone. You work hard to keep others away so they don't see your shame and rejection. You can find out more about this here.

How do I let go?

Most people are a mixture of one or two of the roles we have discussed. However, you can learn how to let go of some of the traits of our role that cause you to disconnect.  We connect with others to survive therefore you need to learn how to use your great strengths at the right time. Not all the time.

Now that you have identified with your main way of being in the family, it's time to practice other ways - take some traits from the other roles. Do the opposite of what feels 'natural'. Here are some examples:

• Firstly, lost child, force yourself to be interested in someone else.

• Or Hero lower your standards to being 'good enough'.

• Placater, say 'no' more often.

• On the other hand, acting-out child, say 'yes' more often.